A girl's "nostalgic" throwback Vol. 1...
So, we meet again, fellow reader!
This post might seem a bit out of the narrative context of why I started this blog, writing down my journey through budo. Nevertheless, we are nearing the end of 2020 and I would like to take this opportunity to reminisce a little about this past year, instead of taking you to the usual trip down to (my) memory lane!!!
It has been an interesting couple of months (thus my absence!) but an even more interesting year, in general. 2020 has been THE year to rethink, replan, reminisce, reconsider almost every little, tiny aspect of one's life. To me, what it did was deprive me of my privilege and honour to practise physically iaido and kendo, alongside my friends and fellow dojo members. I say privilege, because I do realize that I speak from such a position where I have the option to go to a dojo near me, when there are plenty of budoka out there that would normally have to travel great distances for a couple of hours of keiko. However, I am 100% sure that the situation and the pain that we had to go through is equally big, having to see our dojo, near or far, being closed!!!
During the several lockdowns that the Belgian government has been putting us through, I did get plenty of chances to explore my mental and physical limits and the length, height and width limits of my appartment(s)!!! I will say it: It is not an easy task to keep up your budo training like this. Well, the actual training, that is. Because then you must find alternative ways in order to survive and to train with quality. I have been lucky to briefly train in the dojo again for a couple of weeks in between lockdowns, when they allowed sports facilities to reopen, but alas, it was not permanent!
First and foremost, what got hurt the most was my personal motivation to keep some type of training and to persevere by not losing it. That, my fellow budoka, is the most difficult part to achieve. I will, of course, in all honesty admit that it felt like a sugar rush-sugar crash type of situation: having the best of feeling, the peak of motivation and the urge to train constantly and keep a schedule and then BAM! All of this lost because it didn't feel as good as the "real thing", there was no physical challenge (except of the struggle to not hit the ceiling or the walls with a bokken or shinai) and there was no friends around me to compete with and against. It felt lonely!
OK, you can say, iaido is anyway quite "lonely", independent, you don't necessarily need another person, like in kendo. You should be perfectly able to train on your own. I see your point there and I raise you to the fact that, being in a dojo can't compare to training in my living room or attic. I agree that I can train iaido anywhere, but let's admit, we don't live in rural Japan, where you can find beautiful forests and waterfalls and zen gardens where solo training looks like the best idea for a spring or summer gasshuku. It's my and your living room we are talking about, a place where we usually relax and try and spend (a bit too much, during the pandemic) time with family (if all of us are lucky to not go through this all alone, in the first place). The same motivation that I ever had (and gradually lost) to do home workouts throughout my life can compare with the motivation to do home training on a regular basis: it's fading!
Then there are those new generation ZOOM meetings, you can counter argue. Yes, as a matter of fact, these are quite fun. You get the spirit of an even more widespread dojo, if you do big ZOOM meetings with budoka from other dojos or countries. You get the "loneliness factor" out of the way by training with other people in the same situation. I realized even stronger that I am not the only one suffering, there are so many countless fellow budoka and friends out there that miss keiko terribly, but we try to fight the situation all together. This is true friendship spirit and it made me end every online keiko with a stronger feeling of "together we will go through this". Every time an online keiko ends, I go on with a refresed motivation and, most importantly, a sense of happiness that I see my friends and I can catch up. Much better than an online coffee, if you ask me!
The second part of the training that hurt me the most losing was the physical one. I already mentioned the motivation, which is the mental aspect of a training. The physical one is equally important. I feel that I lost so much precious time of learning and training my body. You can't get any younger!!! It only feels like one year of muscle training and memory has gone to the garbage bin. I was never a person that dislikes workout, on the contrary. For as long as I can remember myself, I have always been training. Hard! And to not being able to move my body in the ways that I love, did its bit on my mental and physical health. I despise running and I would never motivate myself to start it just for the sake of keeping in shape. To me, workout must have a meaning and a goal. OK, I did yoga, I can do my crunches and push-ups, but -as I mentioned above- for how long can one train in their living room? There must be some variation at least, but not when you are not even allowed to go hang out in a park!!!
Physically, thank God, I am still healthy and able to perform all activities. As I said, it's not particularly the fact that I couldn't workout properly that caused me frustration, but the fact that I lost precious "youth" time of teaching my body new techniques and polishing the old ones. I know that every body has limits and capabilities, different from each other. I know I am not that out of shape to feel that I will drag my feel next time I will have to perform a kirikaeshi at the dojo. What frustrates me is that all these past few months I couldn't polish the moves I tried so hard and with so much enjoyment to learn; the fact that it will feel like taking 3 steps back and 1 forward to regain the energy and wake up the muscles; to teach my hands again the correct te no uchi and to feel the weight of my shinai or iaito. It's not about the legs or thighs that feel that need to wake up, but the feeling of a sword in your hand or training in full bogu again after months.
One of the last things that causes definitely frustration to younger generations of budoka (myself included) is, of course, the advancement. For many budoka out there, one of the personal goals that we set is the personal growth, whether it be passing an examination or participating in championships. I don't personally advocate this as the truest form of budo spirit, but it definitely plays a bigger part in our budo path than we want to admit. I was never going all in for exams or medals or personal achievements, until I actually started participating in them. I still believe this is not what the budo path teaches us, but we cannot deny that it is a personal choice to set such goals, if they keep us motivated.
In my earlier karate and kobudo years, I learned to not care about championships and exams (I was passing exams of course, don't get me wrong). That was the teaching of the art, in the first place. Our dojo never participated in championships and the only seminars or meetings we had with other dojos were only from the same school. I learned not to set such goals because I thought that it's not corresponding to the spirit of budo. That doesn't mean that I didn't look forward to the exams, though. For me personally, that was a way to prove to myself that I go forward and I am getting better (I am pretty sure everyone felt the same way), and, in all honesty, we were encouraged to perform good, of course. We were just taught that this is not what makes you a better karateka! It's not the medals or black belt, it's your spirit and your way of life that reflects it!
Later on, after iaido and kendo came into my life, I had a different mindset. Personal achievement was no more a "forbidden fruit" and I was even encouraged to advance personally and participate in championships. That served as a personal tryout of my limits, as a way to show others my capabilities and pouring all that I learned and worked hard for into a goal: whether it be passing an examination or winning a medal in a championship. I learned to look forward to big seminars where I can meet with people from all over the world and meet senseis from Japan, from a different koryu, learn from everyone and show what I can do. It was as much a personal goal as a goal of the sensei, dojo or national team. In every keiko I was learning new things and I was focussing on improving so that I can show my progress in the next seminar or other event. It made so much more sense to strive to get better for achieving something like that and not once did I ever feel that I am undermining the meaning of budo by doing so. On the contrary, I felt that by becoming better, I honour the sensei, the dojo and the teachings I received all this time.
So yes, having no idea when the next event might happen, can cause some serious frustration to a lot of budoka and there is absolutely no shame in admitting that. For me, personal goals and a sense of achievement is one of the reasons I enjoy pushing my limits so much and training so many times a week, with no regrets that this is how I choose to spend my free time, and not going out, partying (that has always been the case, if I can say that one thing has never changed throughout the years!!!).
I would much love to delve into the ways I countered those feelings, because, trust me, I am not only complaining a whole year, as it might seem in this post. I feel that this post is already too lengthy to start mentioning my countermeasures for my personal situation. I do feel eager to write a new post about it and will do so, in the coming days. And of course the trip down to memory lane is far from ending. I just felt that, now that we are nearing the end of 2020, a thorough flashback and some personal thoughts are more fit to the occasion than just my "memoirs" and my journey on the budo path. Maybe they serve as a means to exorcise the bad feeling and negative and bitter emotions that I am left with in the end.
So, that's why 2020 has been a serious hit for me personally and, I am pretty sure, plenty other budoka out there. So, good riddance 2020 and may your younger brother-year 2021 bring positivity and a fresh and much needed change in the situation around the globe! May we meet soon and train in each others' company!
Stay tuned!!!
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