A girl's choice...
I don't necessarily know in advance what exactly I am going to write about in this post, but there has been a certain topic in my mind for past couple of weeks. It's a discussion about coming to a time or age when you have to make a choice. It has been and still is one of the most difficult topics for me throughout most of my adult life - to perform and to talk about!
Let me elaborate!!!
As I probably mentioned in a previous post, when I started karate at the age of 18, I was currently a student at the university. My main studies was music and piano performance. Needless to say, the combination of the two was a sight of wonder and awe for the majority of people around me (including my fellow karateka). The first time I ever wondered "oh wait, how am I going to survive the coming exam for piano?" I was already deep in the keiko pit and it was incredibly difficult to get detached from it. That meant that I had to choose for the first time, seriously, to skip a couple of keiko sessions to stay longer at home or uni to practise the piano. My practise sessions were not -at that time- as serious or long as they should have been. So, the choice fell between extra hours of keiko and extra practise. I felt that, by cutting keiko hours, I wouldn't be "ready" for my black belt exam. In fact, it was mostly for my own satisfaction of being always there and available to my dojo that I kind of forgot my other responsibilities.
So, I sat down and had a discussion with my sensei about choices. My question was: "can I be good in both piano and karate, with the effort that I am currently putting"? His answer was a devastating "No!". It pierced like a knife (or sai, haha inside joke!!!). Like, why, why can't I do my best and be good in my studies and concerts AND karate? His answer was simple: you can't be perfect in two things. At some point in your life you have to choose what you will give more importance to. You can be ok good in many fields, but if you truly want to be exceptional in something, you have to give your heart and soul to it. There's no other way or a discount. So, no, you can't be exceptionally good in piano AND karate, at least not at the same time, because both require equal amounts of energy and time.
That was a wake-up call. That felt so painful back then, but it opened up my mind to see that this was a moment to ask myself what was -or should be- important to me at that phase of my life. I had to think reasonably and responsibly and weigh those two choices. Of course I loved karate and didn't want to miss out on any opportunity to get better and learn something new (oooh that competition between younglings, who would learn the new kata first and brag to the others!!! Yes we did that too!!!). But, wasn't piano supposed to be my main focus? Wasn't music the reason I actually got to know about the karate club in the uni? I really had to give my best to it, it was my future, it was my job, I owed that much to myself for all the time I spent practising it. And from a reasonable point of view, the choice should be obvious, really. But it still felt almost impossible to not pack my gi and go to the dojo for a couple of weeks.
The result was rewarding, though! It proved to me that I couldn't and shouldn't have taken that concert light-heartedly. There have to be sacrifices in order to succeed. And so, it has happened, for the first time in my life. I felt the mental struggle to change my routine and sacrifice what I loved doing in order to do what I had to do. I had to feel the weight of responsibility. It was a big lesson, one I still cherish and I always remember and go back to in times of doubt. I remember the day we sat down and had the discussion with my sensei as if it was last week. Its impact was that big that I always recall it in the times that I find myself facing similar crossroads. But the lesson is that if anyone wants to be the best in something, they can't achieve it if they don't take it seriously. Sometimes we sacrifice one thing, some other times an other. There must be balance in life and we must embrace it!
Fast forward many years later, when I am already in Belgium, met my future (current) sensei and got super excited about joining the whole new (for me) world of iaido. And, all of a sudden, even though I keep my keiko on a regular basis, I find myself in the same crossroads: having to choose between keiko and, you know, taking my master studies more seriously. Of course, being older and having gone already through that once before, the choice was made faster and more efficiently. But the result was more radical. I had to completely quit for quite a long time and, even though one part of me regrets it terribly and the other part knows that there were also other reasons that kept me from going back, I still have to admit that it was the right choice, at least for that time being.
Making choices is a recurring event that, through one's adulthood, we keep encountering more and more often. I learned to accept and even expect it, since the amount of crossroads and the choices that still have to make become more serious as time goes by. Once it was going to keiko or preparing a concert, then it became going to keiko and graduating from my master, in the future it might be going to keiko and starting or taking care of family. The choices remain, but by growing through these experiences, it kind of makes the procedure slightly less painful every time, if we resort to reason.
I can't wait to see what the future holds for me and what kind of choices I will have to make! As long as it doesn't keep on asking me to choose between something and my keiko. In any case, let's not forget, in the end the decision is ours only and, no matter what, we should always try and find balance!
Comments
Post a Comment